Me and Drakes first date
Drake: And that's when I said first of all Barack, I'm mixed, but enough about me. I wanna know about you. *boops my nose*
Me: Well, I do not like the beach because I do not like sand or crustaceans but I do personally feel very connected to the ocean. I actually feel as if I may be mixed with mermaid.
Drake: That's so interesting. You are such a well rounded individual. Please, tell me more about you.
Me: I am very afraid of the dark.
Drake: A few years back I read a passage that said something like "You're not afraid of the dark, you're afraid of what is inside of the dark." I just thought that was so beautiful.
Me: ... Are you getting smart with me?
Drake: Not at all I ju-
Me: *loudly* Please do not come for me Mr. Graham I know what the hale I'm scared of!
Drake: ... that was extremely arousing and I'd like to take you home if that's okay with you.
Me: You pickin up the tab?
Drake: *nods*
Me: *puts the basket of rolls in my bag* Get the check.

crunchbuttsteak:

have you ever known somebody so shitty they completely ruin that first name for you?

irenigg:

Rapper and part time pool stick Soulja Boy Tell Em found alive in his metro atlanta estate. Residents are hurt, puzzled.

relative: so, are you dating anyone?
me: yeah, actually! want to see them?
relative: sure!
relative: why are you starting up a video game

Once I was at my university’s big end of the year festival party concert thing and I was drunk and I lost my phone in a crowded park of like 1000+ people and someone actually picked it up and handed it into a park guy that was cool people are cool

im excited to go back to college but i watch jeopardy with my dad basically every day im gonna miss that

Hugs girlie. It’s been even longer over here and I still have those nights.

thank you so much that really means a lot to me

I dig that you're vegan but also like v """manly""" like you're into sports bc I feel like ur breaking stereotypes :-)
Anonymous

nosdrinker:

I watched 27 dresses the other day by myself

awwww-cute:

My girlfriend’s rat dog doesn’t let me poop in peace

awwww-cute:

My girlfriend’s rat dog doesn’t let me poop in peace