Me and Drakes first date
Drake: And that's when I said first of all Barack, I'm mixed, but enough about me. I wanna know about you. *boops my nose*
Me: Well, I do not like the beach because I do not like sand or crustaceans but I do personally feel very connected to the ocean. I actually feel as if I may be mixed with mermaid.
Drake: That's so interesting. You are such a well rounded individual. Please, tell me more about you.
Me: I am very afraid of the dark.
Drake: A few years back I read a passage that said something like "You're not afraid of the dark, you're afraid of what is inside of the dark." I just thought that was so beautiful.
Me: ... Are you getting smart with me?
Drake: Not at all I ju-
Me: *loudly* Please do not come for me Mr. Graham I know what the hale I'm scared of!
Drake: ... that was extremely arousing and I'd like to take you home if that's okay with you.
Me: You pickin up the tab?
Drake: *nods*
Me: *puts the basket of rolls in my bag* Get the check.


have you ever known somebody so shitty they completely ruin that first name for you?


Rapper and part time pool stick Soulja Boy Tell Em found alive in his metro atlanta estate. Residents are hurt, puzzled.

relative: so, are you dating anyone?
me: yeah, actually! want to see them?
relative: sure!
relative: why are you starting up a video game

Once I was at my university’s big end of the year festival party concert thing and I was drunk and I lost my phone in a crowded park of like 1000+ people and someone actually picked it up and handed it into a park guy that was cool people are cool

im excited to go back to college but i watch jeopardy with my dad basically every day im gonna miss that

Hugs girlie. It’s been even longer over here and I still have those nights.

thank you so much that really means a lot to me

I dig that you're vegan but also like v """manly""" like you're into sports bc I feel like ur breaking stereotypes :-)


I watched 27 dresses the other day by myself


My girlfriend’s rat dog doesn’t let me poop in peace


My girlfriend’s rat dog doesn’t let me poop in peace